merican Atheists National Outreach Director Neal Cary is encouraging atheists and nonbelievers everywhere to spread "the good news about the good book" and participate in the upcoming National Bible Week. Working with Frank Zindler, editor of American Atheist Magazine, they have assembled a list of inspirational quotes which can be referred to -- or even quoted directly -- in letters to public officials, school officials, and the news media. Mr. Zindler cautions, though, "It is important to use the Unexpurgated King James Versions, not the New King James, which has had all the 'pisses' drained out of it. Other modern versions too have been cleaned up. Not all Gideon bibles stolen from motel rooms are the real McCoy. Before reading from a bible, check 1 Kings 14:10 to make sure the urea solution is still there full-strength"

   "Have fun!," adds Mr. Zindler.

    Here's a list of recommended, inspiration readings for National Bible Week. Again, thanks to Mr. Neal Cary and Mr. Frank Zindler for compiling this unwholesome list.

GENESIS 17:9-14 Circumcision mandated 19:1-8 Rape virgins instead of male angels 19:30-38 Righteous man impregnates his 2 daughters while drunk 24:2-3, 9 Place your hand "under the thigh" (sexual organs) of someone swearing sacred oaths 25:1-6 Keeping mistresses is not adultery Chapt. 29-30 Surrogate motherhood 32:25 God grabs Jacob's testicles 34:1-31 Brothers are riled when sister is defiled 35:2 Reuben sleeps with father's concubine 38:1-10 Onan's method of birth control not approved 38:12-30 Tamar plays the harlot to seduce father-in-law 39:1-20 Women tries to rape man 47:29 Joseph ordered to place his hand under father's thigh DEUTERONOMY 3:1-7 Kill men, women, & children 21:10-14 God okays captured maidens as trial wives 22:5 Men's clothing not to be worn by women, & vice versa 22:13-21 A bride not a virgin must die 22:23-26 Virgin raped in city given no pity 23:12-14 Defecation: Carry paddle, dig hole, & cover up 25:5-10 Woman has cause to spit in man's face 25:11-12 A woman shall have her hand cut off for touching a penis 22:28-29 Paying father to have sex with daughter 23:1 Man "wounded in the stones" can't enter congregation 23:2 Children born out of wedlock condemned as bastards to 10th generation 23:10-11 Cleanliness called for in nocturnal emissions 24:1 Man can divorce wife through eviction 28:27 Hemorrhoids ("emerods") punishment for sin 28:30 Lord's curse: Another man shall lie with groom's bride first 28:53-57 Curse: Eat your own body & children I SAMUEL 5:9-12 Philistines "smitten with emerods" as punishment for stealing ark 6:1-5 To placate God, make golden emerods 15:3 God orders Saul to kill suckling babes 18:23-27 200 foreskins gain David a king's daughter 25:22,34 Any that pisseth against the wall II SAMUEL 3:7 More concubine hanky-panky 11:1-27 Uriah sent to lose his life so David can get his wife 12:7-12 Obscene performance to be viewed by all Israel 5:13 David had many wives, concubines Chapter 13 Amnon rapes his sister 16:20-23 Absalom copulates with father's concubines on rooftop 20:3 David imprisons concubines for above I KINGS 1:1-4 Virgin as therapy for sick old man unsuccessful 11:1-10 Wise Solomon has wives and concubines galore 14:10 Him that pisseth against the wall 16:11 One that pisseth against a wall 21:21 Him that pisseth against the wall II KINGS 6:24-33 "So we boiled my son, and did eat him" 9:8 Subject not mentioned in sermons 23:7 Male houses of prostitution destroyed I CHRONICLES 1:32-33 Abraham's concubines have children II CHRONICLES 11:21 King Rehoboam had 18 wives & 60 concubines ROMANS 1:26-32 Gay men and lesbians "worthy of death" I CORINTHIANS 6:18-20 Abstain form sex 7:1-40 To be more holy, refrain from sex wholly 7:18-19 If you"re not circumcised, stay that way GALATIANS 5:1-4 Paul speaks against circumcision I TIMOTHY 3:2,12 More than 1 wife OK, except for bishop, deacon TEACHINGS OF THE "PRINCE OF PEACE" LUKE 12:51-2 "Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division: For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three." 14:26 "If any man come unto me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple." 19:27 "But those mine enemies which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me." MATTHEW 10:34 "Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I come not to send peace, but a sword." EXODUS 20:26 God specifies building of altar to prevent exposure of nakedness 22:19 Death decreed for bestiality 33:17-23 God moons Moses NUMBERS 31:1-18; 28-47 God commands genocide of Midianites 5:11-31 God's fidelity test for women only 31:1-18 Moses orders that virgins be kept, other captives slain LEVITICUS 12:1-8 Bible calls childbirth a sin 15:16-18 Sperm and intercourse are unclean 15:19-33 Menstruation unclean; elaborate rules 15:29-30 Women must make sin offering for menstrual periods 18:22 Homosexuality declared an abomination 18:23 More bestiality 19:1,20-22 Man gets forgiven, slave girl gets flogging 20:10 Adulterers shall be put to death 20:13 Death decreed for homosexuals 20:15-16 Death decreed for bestiality (& beast) 26:29 Curse: Eat your sons and daughters JUDGES 3:20-22 Dagger in fat king's gut gets "dirt" out 4:4-22 Hammer & nail murder by woman 8:30 Gideon had many wives, concubines 11:29-40 Jephtha's daughter: human sacrifice 19:1-30 Woman raped and ruined by homosexuals 21:6-25 Amidst carnage virgins captured for wives RUTH 3:6-9 To "hook" him as husband, Ruth sleeps with Boaz 4:9-10 Boaz buys Ruth ESTHER Chapters 1-2 Sexual contest to decide new queen SONG OF SOLOMON ISAIAH 3:16 "...and the Lord will discover their secret parts" 9:20 Every man shall eat the flesh of his own arm 14:21-22 Slaughter children for fathers' iniquity 16:11 Biblical boast: "My bowels shall sound like an harp" 36:12 Eating dung and drinking piss JEREMIAH 16:4 Grievous, obscene deaths LAMENTATIONS 2:19 Something to lament 4:10 Women boil children for food EZEKIEL 4:12-15 God says: Eat bread defiled with dung 5:8-10 What's for dinner? 8:2 Lord's loins make guest appearance 16:15 Fornications pour out 16:36-37 Their "filthiness poured out..." 23:1-40 Sex organs and ejaculate of harlots' lovers compared to asses & horses 29:7-8 God performs bloody castration via a sword HOSEA 1:2-11 God tells Hosea to take whore to wife 2:1-15 Complications ensue (lewdly described) NAHUM 3:4-6 Lord: "I will discover thy skirts upon thy face" MALACHI 2:1-4 An angry god will spread feces on your faces MATTHEW 5:27-30 A man may lust but it's not considered just 5:31-32 Man can divorce wife for fornication only 19:3-9 Man who divorces and remarries is adulterer 19:12 Castrate yourself for Jesus 22:24 Law of Onan LUKE 2:21 Eight day old Jesus is circumcised ACTS 5:38 Eunuch baptized 15:24 Circumcision is not commandment 16:3 Paul circumcises adult REVELATION 17:1-6 A whore is stripped, eaten and burned ADDENDUM EXODUS 22:18 Reason for murder of millions of innocent women "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." LEVITICUS 24:16 Death for pronouncing name of Yahweh (the "Lord") ROMANS 13:1-6 Obey the leader, even if it's Hitler! MATTHEW (Continued...) 10:35-6 "For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household." 15:4 "For God commanded, saying, Honor thy father and mother: and, He that curseth father or mother, let him die the death."

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